Endurance is so hard. When you get a nasty workload and everyone is depending on you. But at the end, credits are never given to you. Today I felt like the whole world crumbling on me. I collapse at work with an overflowing disastrous stream of tears and hiccups. Khairul was speechless when he saw me breaking down, he took the initiative to lock our office door so that no one could enter our room.
I wailed. Louder than I ever thought I could imagine. I told him everything that has been bugging me. I said I was really tired and no one could really understand but him because he is going through the same deep shits as me.
Each day, Im finding answers for so many things. For Ryan, for my family, for myself as well as for work. As I was strucked by my tears, I had a call from the police and Khairul was kind enough to say that I was away from my office.
The workload is more and more each day and all the authorities are chasing you is the worst thing that I ever feel.
People may think that my work is glamorous that I get to meet so many people that they wish to meet, but deep in my heart, im not.
There’s so many decisions that I have to make all by myself. From the photographers, videographers, advertising, posters, banners, logistics, manpower, to the t shirt…. to the person to liase with all the celebrities, to the whole programme, to making sure things are under control. How much of this. Getting designs done, get it to the service provider, making sure you satisfy all parties, meeting sponsors and nailing deals.
But it isn’t easy. I work 9am- 10pm now. Me and Khairul struggling to get job done everyday, battling with eye bags, sleepless nights and encouragement with each other.
Nobody says it was easy but I felt like if others were supportive enough, it would feel like the world is a much better place.
But everyone put on so much of a high expectation from you. Thinking that you earn so much to pull this event off and that event off. At the end of the day, you have no credits for that because the press don’t find you. They find the CEO, they find people who have the authority to speak out.
Because of this, I told Khairul that I am going to be Ms Know It All and know every single thing so that I can pull off everything without asking anyone else to assist me in everything else. Like Designs. I know what I want but I must get another staff to get it done.
i know i’m probably just babbling things. But the last thing I need is pressures from anyone else. I barely have time for myself, to even take a cup of water and breathe. So I really wish everyone could understand. To understand that yes I mess up on a few things, but hey I need a break after my work demands.
Then come with the mysterious man. But I manage to tell myself that life is about me, and to focus on myself rather than the questions bugging in my head.
Well, it doesn’t matter anymore does it?
One thing for sure, Like I always tell the others. If you love someone, you will do whatever it takes. Somehow I like seeing my colleagues who have supportive partners, having partners fetching them from work and seeing their smile on their faces. Knowing that I don’t even have that kind of saddens me but oh well, I just put on a smile and be okay.
One by one invitations of card comes in and I see it with a smile and pulling myself all together into a piece.
Sometimes, it kinda help if you have someone who will be there for you, dropping you a text, dropping you a call asking if you are fine and how has work been. But no, all the calls I have received is from the police for permits and from MediaCorp.
There’s no calls asking hey how are you doing. Nothing to make the heart beat.
I want to give up. I am making everyone else happy, doing so much but at the end of the day i am not.