when it gets a bit harder day by day.

Endurance is so hard. When you get a nasty workload and everyone is depending on you. But at the end, credits are never given to you. Today I felt like the whole world crumbling on me. I collapse at work with an overflowing disastrous stream of tears and hiccups. Khairul was speechless when he saw me breaking down, he took the initiative to lock our office door so that no one could enter our room.

I wailed. Louder than I ever thought I could imagine. I told him everything that has been bugging me. I said I was really tired and no one could really understand but him because he is going through the same deep shits as me.

Each day, Im finding answers for so many things. For Ryan, for my family, for myself as well as for work. As I was strucked by my tears, I had a call from the police and Khairul was kind enough to say that I was away from my office. 

The workload is more and more each day and all the authorities are chasing you is the worst thing that I ever feel. 

People may think that my work is glamorous that I get to meet so many people that they wish to meet, but deep in my heart, im not.

There’s so many decisions that I have to make all by myself. From the photographers, videographers, advertising, posters, banners, logistics, manpower, to the t shirt…. to the person to liase with all the celebrities, to the whole programme, to making sure things are under control. How much of this. Getting designs done, get it to the service provider, making sure you satisfy all parties, meeting sponsors and nailing deals.

But it isn’t easy. I work 9am- 10pm now. Me and Khairul struggling to get job done everyday, battling with eye bags, sleepless nights and encouragement with each other. 

Nobody says it was easy but I felt like if others were supportive enough, it would feel like the world is a much better place. 

But everyone put on so much of a high expectation from you. Thinking that you earn so much to pull this event off and that event off. At the end of the day, you have no credits for that because the press don’t find you. They find the CEO, they find people who have the authority to speak out.

Because of this, I told Khairul that I am going to be Ms Know It All and know every single thing so that I can pull off everything without asking anyone else to assist me in everything else. Like Designs. I know what I want but I must get another staff to get it done. 

i know i’m probably just babbling things. But the last thing I need is pressures from anyone else. I barely have time for myself, to even take a cup of water and breathe. So I really wish everyone could understand. To understand that yes I mess up on a few things, but hey I need a break after my work demands. 

Then come with the mysterious man. But I manage to tell myself that life is about me, and to focus on myself rather than the questions bugging in my head.

Well, it doesn’t matter anymore does it? 

One thing for sure, Like I always tell the others. If you love someone, you will do whatever it takes. Somehow I like seeing my colleagues who have supportive partners, having partners fetching them from work and seeing their smile on their faces. Knowing that I don’t even have that kind of saddens me but oh well, I just put on a smile and be okay.

One by one invitations of card comes in and I see it with a smile and pulling myself all together into a piece. 

Sometimes, it kinda help if you have someone who will be there for you, dropping you a text, dropping you a call asking if you are fine and how has work been. But no, all the calls I have received is from the police for permits and from MediaCorp. 

There’s no calls asking hey how are you doing. Nothing to make the heart beat.

 

I want to give up. I am making everyone else happy, doing so much but at the end of the day i am not.

Can I?

I believe

I Do Believe
I’m singing all alone ..
Can you hear me ,do you hear me
I’m hurting Can you feel me
Do you feel me

Been blinded by the tears I cry
Ever since you said goodbye
I’m praying all day long coz hoping
One day your heart might just turn around

And there’s no reason why
That I could make you cry
Cause I will fight ..fight

You’ll be my company
As you’re my destiny
I do believe..Believe

When you’re not here
Next to me
It’s get harder coz I feel weak
Every moment when I’m broken
I wish I could just hang on

Courtesy of Rudy Ryan.

Because I am who I am after you left.

To the ones who thought 

They could bring me down,

Your words are so sharp,

Piercing like knives and gunshots.

But I am stronger.

 

To the ones who left

As soon as they saw the chance,

You lost your one chance.

You will regret this one day.

You would have been proud.

Why women are emotional and sensitive, yet have the most endurance.

Women culturally, physically and mentally are seen as weak across generations. 

I speak for the women. Yes. We are emotionally unstabilized because we are sensitive. But that is because we are born with a motherly instinct that might hit most of us. We feel for most things generally in nature and we speak our minds off with a whisk of our brain thoughts.

But we endure. We endure the deepest shit given to us. We endure the worst things slapped to our face. Not only do we endure, we have the highest level of tolerance towards man and their behaviours. 

Have you ever wondered why women nags all the time? It’s because it is their mechanism to channel their dissatisfaction. But we women admit that it may not sound pleasant at all but let’s face it guys, we can speak with our soft tone, only if you are willing to cooperate with us on many things. 

Husbands out there grumble when their wives nag at them, or do not complete their household chores but have you ever thought that it is tolling on them too? Especially if they have their own careers. 

Women are like delicate substance on earth. We need to feel loved, we want to feel loved and when we do it is almost like the most nicest feeling ever existed on EARTH!

That’s why we love attention. Yes, I might need to admit on this, but we love guys who try hard and compete to get our attention. It makes us feel that we are important to them (Don’t you wish you feel this also guys?)

That’s my point. Although I must admit that most women nag, you have to admit also that we have the most endurance to tolerate your nonsense and behaviour. Like how you just toss around the chores, like how you demand on things. Like how you want things to go your way and the pace that you are going. 

To admit it, we can’t tolerate that you can’t multitask when we can.

We endure the deepest shit that you give us. We swallow it. We swallow your neglect, your annoyance and your irritating behaviour. We endure your games, your love for sports, your love for weird stuffs. We endure the feeling of knowing that even with the existence of us and two human hearts which forms love, you would still fling around with other girls.

Yet, we stay patient.

We stay happy with the way you treat us. We stay subtle with no messages from you, late replies from you or even no news of you. 

We understand your work, that you have to be away, that chances are you are cheating on us.

Yet we reserve our hearts and pray that we will always be in your mind.

Chances are, no matter how much we have tried, We always fail.

Always.

 

a long time

It has been a long time since I felt someone was appreciative of my presence. 

Today, a kind soul was. He say thanks to me, many thanks and I asked him to thank God for whatever he has to prove to himself.

I’ve never seen this much tears, this much appreciation to God. For showing him something. I thank God too because it was through me that he was able to prove something to everyone.

It has never occurred to me that this blog gives life changing experience to some. Although, there are critics judging on the way I write, I feel that it doesn’t matter as long as this place has helped many. 

Don’t ask me what approach this is because there is certainly no approach. What is here is direct, true feelings of mine. 

Maybe I seemed to be young to some. At 24, I might appear to be vulnerable, to be overly sensitive on certain issues. I learnt a lot through the experiences I had to go through, to sharing stories that people told me, to all the emails I received. I give thanks to all of you for making me grow.

Reading some of your letters (locals) make me happy though. Those parcels came in with various different shapes, colours and sizes. I recalled receiving this straw stationery holder which was handcrafted by a reader of mine, Susanna from Los Angeles. It was probably the most nicest thing ever received.

There are critics though who tend to say that I should change the way I speak in my blog,in this blog.

I have no comment on that.

 

Last but not least, I thank you once again and I thank God for all the blessings he has given me.

Amin. 

Enough said

Words can be as sweet as sugar, as wonderful as our dreams, as delightful as we imagine. But words are just words. It kills you. It kills us.
To be away and not accepting words said to you is a difficult task. What’s worst is actually trusting a person’s saying and the choice of sentence they use to you. Yes, it melts your heart when a man gives you hope and say the greatest things about you.

But have you ever wondered that the sweetest things he said to you can be said to others also?

There are reasons why people behave in certain ways, why they choose to not come to a point of life and say this is it.

The worst feeling is being emotionally cheated.

It’s like to a point of life that when they say they miss you, and you won’t even believe it anymore. Because you know deep down inside you, there are questions that are unsettled.

To all the girls and ladies out there. Don’t let your hearts out exclusively to dates or man who just toy around with words and feelings. Who tells you to wait for the right time, chances are, you’ll rot with pain and insanity.

Speak your minds. And if you did more than once, maybe it’s time to leave.

He’s just not that into you.

The sudden chest pain.

It struck me on the left side of my chest. I stopped and told my colleague, Khairul about it. The whole day I have been battling with a rising temperature and sore throat. Today I felt super unproductive, sore body and tired mind. I dragged myself up on the bed and force myself to take the train. Indeed the weather has been a killer, not mentioning the heat in the office, but at the same time, i am shivering. 

I have neglected my office and spending each and every day at the social service centre. I have neglected my own feelings, trying to be a superfox each time. But I am a normal human too, and like others, when it is very overwhelming, i just break down.  

I am snapping towards everything. Pardon my rudeness but I have been standing up on my feet so that people would stop taking advantage of my capabilities. 

At times, I wonder, are they even taking advantage? Because I know, there’s no one else to do it. Because I know that At the end of the day, I have a choice to either walk away or take the responsibility to challenge myself to my fullest potential.

I could feel the neurotransmitters in my body exiting the excitement of my own life. I felt so old taking charge of so many things and so many people. Yes, it might be the drive of excitement to have.

Moses, my colleague at work, calls me the  ”Pengurus Besar” (General Manager- GM) just because he sees that my work is madness. 

SEE? Even my colleagues is saying my work is madness and they say I am crazy to be doing it. But the point is, who else if not me? Who else can be crazy enough to take up so much at one go and pleasing everyone and act cool when at the back of meetings, when after meetings, sorrow himself with tears.

Yesterday was no exception. After major major decisions made, there was this man from MediaCorp who was pleading me to slow down and make a win win decision between my organization and his. Then 20 eyes turned at me. For my decision. For the verdict of a major TV Telecast.

I constantly challenge myself for the crazy things. But yesterday, I broke down. My mind could not think with this fever and eventhough I have dozens and piles of work to be completed now, I do not care. I need to have my own time. 

Ending work late and continuing doing housework at home doesn’t do me justice. I know I need a big break, where I could just stop checking emails from PMO, from everywhere else.

I am trying.

But at times I can just be dead.

Im sorry. 

To Have failed to be a better person, who have stopped answering your questions and emails, who have stopped being a good daughter because I know I have been neglecting everything.

Dear God, to you now I ask for strength.